Love, Value, or Appreciation?

I love my wife.  That’s one reason we’ve stayed married over 30 years.  We love watching movies, traveling, and cooking together (she is most certainly the cook, I just stir when she tells me).

I also appreciate my wife.  I appreciate the way she decorates the house and makes it feel “homey.”  I appreciate how she keeps the house running by balancing our family finances.  And I appreciate how she keeps me informed about family and friends by reading me Facebook posts.

And I value my wife.  The thing I value most is how she makes me a better me.  She keeps me looking good through her great sense of fashion, helps me find the right words to difficult conversations, and regularly offers advice on my speaking business.  While I may not always treat her like the treasure she is, I value and cherish her beyond words.

So what’s the difference between the three?  Is one more important than the other?  Do I really need all three for a successful marriage?  Let’s start this brief exploration with a few definitions:

Love: To have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for.

Appreciate:   To be grateful or thankful for; to be fully conscious or aware of.

Value:  Consider someone or something to be important or beneficial; have a high opinion of.

In simpler terms, love is about an emotional connection, appreciation is thankfulness, and value reflects importance and worth.

So, yes, for a successful marriage, I would say all three are needed.  And it’s all three that helped Pat and me celebrate 31 years last November.

But what about the corporate world?  Do leaders need these three characteristics to be effective?  As in marriage, I would say yes.

Let’s start with love.  Not to sound too soft or mushy, but I’m convinced that a love for people is required for positive, effective leadership.  I’m not talking about a passionate love one has for a spouse or a child but a love based on friendship.  Plato and Aristotle talked about philia love which is reflected in shared goodwill.  It’s a love that wants to connect with people on a real basis and wants to see others succeed.

Next is appreciation which is about gratitude.  Being thankful for the work a colleague or direct report does and for the results they bring to the team.  Key here is actually expressing that thankfulness with words.

Which brings us to Value, an emotion or characteristic that is (sadly) rarely shared.  Valuing teammates or direct reports is about acknowledging a person’s worth, their gifts, and how they make the team better.

This is especially true for people who are different from ourselves.  For example, I’m a pretty loud person.  And I’m funny — at least I think so.  And if there was a team full of me’s, we would have a blast!  It would be a constant party!  Can’t promise how much work we’d accomplish but we’d have fun trying.

For me to be my best and for my team to be its best, I need someone on my team who is a little quieter and someone who is a little more serious.  I need that person to tap me on the arm during a meeting and say, “Hey, let’s be serious for a minute.”

By that same token, the quiet person needs me, the person who craves conversation and banter.  That quiet person needs me to say, “Hey, we’ve heard from everyone but you and your opinion is important.  Let’s hear it.”

You see, together, that quiet, serious person makes me a better me.  And the loud, lighthearted person I am can bring out some of the same in that quiet, serious person.   And together, we’ll do great work!

I need that person!  I value that person for how they challenge me and make me better.  And how they make the team better!

I’m convinced leaders need all three emotions in order to build a high-performance team.  Organizations can also have an impact on performance and engagement by building cultures that revolve around fostering relationships, recognition, and valuing people for the unique individuals they are.

But how?  Can an organization really build a culture that revolves around these three critical characteristics?  Absolutely!  And we’ll explore that next month! ​​

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