We’re not getting along.
Whether it’s politics, race, religion, culture, immigration, gay marriage, current events, BLM, or just about any other topic you can name, we all have a differing opinion.
Our opinions are based on what we know (or what we think we know) and what we believe. Those beliefs are formed over a lifetime of experiences (we explored our complicated selves in a couple of recent blogs — click here to see "I Am My Life - Part 1") and delivered in a way that reflects our personality, some softly with others being very loud about their opinions.
We’re often letting those opinions be known in pubic spaces, on TV and radio, at church, and during family gatherings. Probably the largest platform for airing our viewpoints is social media including Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter, which can be over the top with emotional and often ugly comments.
Those over-the-top social media comments are just a small part of the incivility we’re seeing today. In fact, most people would agree that incivility has never been higher.
I don’t mean the rioting that plagued many cities in 2020 although that is certainly a reflection of our disagreements.
I’m talking about the inability to engage in meaningful dialogue about the issues we’re facing as a nation. We simply can’t seem to have real, honest, uncomfortable conversations that can either help change someone’s mind or at least help people gain an understanding of others and grow in empathy for people who are different.
So how do we overcome this standoff? How do we stop yelling at each other and start talking to each other? When will we stop calling each other names and start calling each other brother and sister and friend?
I think we’ll do this when business starts facilitating those difficult conversations.
We tend to hang with “people like us.” That’s certainly true with family. Yes, today’s political climate has driven a wedge between some family members. For the most part, though, family sticks together.
Our friends tend to look and think like us as well. That describes my friends. I have a close group of six or seven guys that I hang with, drink bourbon with, and generally do life with. Our wives are all friends so we also do things as couples.
Many churches look the same as well. I live in Lewisville, Texas, a North Dallas suburb and while my church is open to anyone and proactively reaches out to the Hispanic community, it’s still a predominately white church.
Then there’s business. Business is different. While our family and social groups are often a reflection of ourselves, business usually has a different look and feel.
Business is comprised of people from all walks of life. In addition to different genders and generations, employees also represent different ethnicities, different sexual preferences, different educations, different backgrounds, different political beliefs, and different thinking styles. The differences go on and on and on and . . .
Yes, families, friends, and social groups can be a melting pot of different people, but it’s business that truly brings dissimilar people together.
It’s Too Hot
So business has the opportunity — some would say responsibility — to help lower the temperature of our personal interactions and, ultimately, our society.
“Lower the temperature.” That’s a great term, isn’t it? I wish I had come up with that but I must give credit to a fantastic professional speaker, Michael Hoffman (click here to learn more about Michael). Michael expertly applies that term to organizations that want to deliver great customer service.
I don’t think Michael would mind if I adopted that term to describe our current culture, which is red hot, and how companies can cool things down a bit by helping employees understand each other and talk — calmly — to one another.
I’m not the only person who proposes business take the lead here. At a Ken Blanchard conference in 2018, I heard author Brené Brown urge companies to facilitate those uncomfortable conversations within the workforce in order to attract and keep the best employees. So business has a vested interest in facilitating those challenging conversations; it’s a real business advantage!
That’s my goal with this blog and with everything I do; my raison d’être. I want to help people find success and gratification in their daily activities by helping employees understand each other and get along. I want to “lower the temperature” in corporate cultures.
So "Getting Along" will be my theme for the rest of 2021. Throughout the year, we’ll explore Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion. We’ll dive into one of my keynote presentations about Building a Value-Others Culture. We’ll touch on civility, challenging conversations, and how to interact with people who are different than ourselves.
I hope you’ll follow along throughout the year. And I really hope you’ll interact, provide comments, ask questions, push back (just a little), and challenge me.
And hopefully, with each blog, comment, and story, the pebbles we throw into the “pond of life” will create ripples that benefit others, ultimately making our businesses more engaging and satisfying.
And making life just a little bit easier.
I’m a hater.
Never really thought of myself like this but after responding, “I hate that,” to a number of family members and friends in recent days, I just need to admit — I’m a hater.
I embarrassed to admit but I’ve always harbored a little hate. I hate mushrooms. I hate moving my clocks forward to Daylight Savings Time every spring and then back to Standard Time ever fall. And I hate being late, especially to a movie and missing the previews.
Lately, though, I’ve been feeling a little more hateful than usual:
Of all my hatred, here are the three things I hate the most these days.
#3. I hate that we’re having crucial discussions in 280 characters.
We must have deep dialogue about racism in America. We need to discuss immigration, gay marriage, and free speech.
But we can’t do that through tweets and blogs. At least we can’t do it well.
And yes, I hate that I’m adding to these “shallow” conversations through my own blogs and tweets. My hope is these written words lead to spoken dialogue for many people.
We must push through the uncomfortableness of these discussions and start talking to people different than us. That’s what I did last year a couple of times with Elena Gerstmann. Elena and I are very different yet we were able to have a civil conversation about my political choices. Was it difficult? Yes. Was it uncomfortable at times? Absolutely!
Did we change each other's mind? Yes! We both realized that the other person is likable! We may not have changed our political stripes but we did enjoy the opportunity to learn from one another.
When was the last time you calmly had a discussion with someone who thinks differently than you?
#2. I hate the dishonest conversations we’re having.
As I continue my own journey into Diversity, Equity, Inclusion, and Belonging, I follow and learn from some great people on LinkedIn. Lenora Billings-Harris. Dr. Shirley Davis. Tara Jaye Frank. And many more.
I’m grateful for their DEI leadership and truly thankful for the opportunities they have given me to ask real, sensitive, and truth-seeking questions.
There are many times, though, when I’m silent, when I don’t seek the truth. While I’ve replied to many stories and posts on LinkedIn, there are many more comments I could make but don’t. I hesitate because my comments will be taken out of context, someone will read in a tone that isn’t there, or someone will accuse me of being defensive (which actually happened just recently!).
I’m extremely thankful for my conversations with Dr. James Pogue. We’ve had some wonderful discussions when I’ve asked him some very pointed questions from an old, white, male perspective. Questions that were not easy to ask with answers that were not always easy to hear. Some answers I readily accepted. Other answers I have to wrestle with some more. And a few answers I totally disagreed with.
But they were honest conversations.
Conversations that were enabled because we thought the best of each other. I didn’t have to hide or soften my comments and questions because James believed my heart was in the right place. And most of all, because James showed me grace when I said something wrong, pushed back on a statement, or admitted that I simply didn’t understand.
That’s where we must go as a society:
#1. I hate that some people reading this post will get the wrong idea about me.
That’s especially true if they stopped reading early in this post after they learned I voted for President Trump.
Over the last year or two, I’ve been called pollution and a terrorist. I’ve been compared to Hitler. I’ve collected so many verbatim quotes and tweets that I no longer collect them. I don’t think there’s an adjective or word combination that can be used to describe me that hasn’t been used already (on a positive note, there are some very creative writers out there!).
Sadly, the people labeling me with these names or making these comparisons don’t even know me. They simply call me these names based on one action — the little circle I colored in next to Donald Trump’s name.
These people don’t know what went into that vote. They don’t know how I think. They don’t know the struggle I had matching my civics worldview and my faith with a Presidential candidate that I sometimes disagreed with and often winced at when hearing or reading one of his bombastic comments.
These people who judge me for how I voted or a comment I make on LinkedIn also don’t know how hard I work to bring people together. That's the entire goal of my speaking and consulting business.
They also don’t know that I spent four years in Bulgaria leading a small English-speaking school so other Americans could work in the country. They don’t know that I paid for groceries for the person in front of me at Target recently. They don’t know how I recently donated blood, donated a Saturday to hand out Christmas gifts to those less fortunate, and donated a Sunday afternoon to sort food for a local food pantry. Would a terrorist do these things?
Bonus hate: I hate that we’re letting so many things divide us while ignoring all of the things that bind us.
Here is a partial list of things I love:
Finally, one of the things I love the most?
Writing about and delivering keynote presentations about the uniqueness of people and how we have so much more that connects us than separates us.
We need to talk about our differences. We need to talk about race, religion, gender, sexual preference, and politics. We need to explore and understand white privilege and unconscious bias. I want to understand a black man's or woman’s life and their perspective on racism. And I want to explain my life, my experiences and my feelings about white privilege without being called a racist just because it doesn’t match your definition of white privilege or because I have questions.
I’m working hard to do my part. I’m reading. I’m studying. I’m engaging in conversations with my black, Hispanic, Asian, gay, liberal, and Millennial friends.
I’m showing grace to people who yell at me, curse at me, and turn their back on me because of how I vote or how I think. And I’m asking for grace in return when I say something off the mark.
We are all together in this thing called life. How much better it is if we show each other love and offer a helping hand instead of shouting hate and shaking our fist.
Will you join me in this quest for civility and unity? Leave a comment with your thoughts about my thoughts. And if you’re in the Lewisville, TX, area, let me know and we’ll have one of those deep, meaningful conversations over a taco and margarita — my treat!
If you're like me (and I know I am), you're ready for the new year. 2020 was not easy! While some good things did happen, I’ll still take a refund on the entire year. Of course, that can’t happen so let’s just hope 2021 is a year to remember — for all the right reasons!
This January blog is a bit different than previous entries. For the last few years, my first January post has been “Best Boss Resolutions.” Those actions and behaviors every leader should commit to in order to be, well, that best boss ever!
This year, though, I’m going in a new direction. In fact, the entire year will have a different tone.
So just as the Best Boss blog would launch the upcoming year, so does this one. My focus on people, diversity, equity, inclusion, belonging, valuing others, civility, and generally making the world a better place all starts with one thing — knowing me.
Often when I speak, I start by asking the audience, “Why should you listen to me?” In fact, why should you listen to anyone? Everyone has an angle, a perspective, a background that developed their thinking. Every speaker, every journalist, author, politician . . . EVERYONE!
Knowing that angle and perspective helps the listener judge and interpret the content. It helps us gauge the truth factor. It gives context to the content. And it allows us to apply — or not apply — their words to our life.
That’s what this blog is all about. I’m going to talk about me. I’m going to let you know who I am and where I’ve come from. I’m doing so with hope that you’ll get to know me, understand me a little, and, ultimately, follow me and engage with me throughout the year.
So who is Darren K. Ford?
Well, I’m just like you. I’m a human being who lives and breathes just like you. We both have basic needs of food, water, air, and shelter. We both have emotions, wants, and desires. We want to connect to others and we both want some fulfillment in life. We’re really very much alike.
Yet I’m completely different than you. In fact, I’m totally unique.
So what’s made me unique? Well, there are sooooooo many inputs throughout my life but this partial list will give you a little insight to Darren K. Ford.
WARNING! For some people, a few items on this list may be triggers to stop reading and never return. PLEASE read the entire list!
More importantly, PLEASE don’t judge me simply because of the experiences in my life.
Most importantly, PLEASE read my next blog which will put these experiences in perspective. And then you can decide whether or not to come back and be part of the conversation.
Okay, with that disclaimer out of the way, here is a small snapshot of my life:
In fact, there is no one else like me on dear ol’ Planet Earth. I’m one in a 7,836,311,154 as of 10:20 a.m., January 2.
And just like I’m unique, so are you! No one else just like you anywhere in the world.
Now it gets tricky.
While we’re totally the same, we’re also totally different. The differences may be big such as gender or religion or politics, or the differences may be small, say dogs or cats.
And if we’re not careful, these differences can cause conflict. These conflicts can grow and grow and grow, to the point where we’re simply not able to get along, as individuals or as a society.
Sadly, that's where we are today. We're not getting along. We can't talk to each other anymore.
How did we get to this point? More importantly, how do we get back to being friends? How can we stop yelling at each other and start caring for each other?
That’s exactly what we’ll explore this year. We’re going to take a deeper dive into our differences and find ways to overcome those differences.
So will you come back? Will you read future blogs, ask questions, and make comments?
Will you join me on this journey of making the world a better place by connecting people through similarities while overlooking, even celebrating, our differences?
And maybe, just maybe, with each blog, comment, and interaction, we’ll make the world just a little brighter, one connection at a time.
Write something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview.